February 28, 2006
No More Bacardi 151!
After sleeping for 10 hours I still feel like total crap. All my work for the March issue is done, so why not sleep some more? I say to myself hell no I ain't going out! No way!!! And then I dress up and go out. But just for a little bit. Me and Lits go to hear Eric Kupper of Hedkandi (which is now the Tokyo Project) at Enclave, and we couldn't get out of there fast enough. I'm sorry, but I just cannot get down with that kind of crowd. It was like being in Le Passage: Oily guys with expensive Italian shirts, fake bitches with fake boobs/pointy shoes/tampon-sized purses, bad vibes, and just this aura of hook up hook up hook up. I love Eric the promoter, but our souls were dying. "Afterset at Moda!" says the bubbly door girl, and I feign excitement at being given a free pass.
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We then go to Zentra and that is when it all goes downhill. I start pounding shots of Bacardi 151 in celebration of getting through a very hard week. When I wake up the next morning with zero memory, I call Lito to tell me what happened. In summary: me and one of my girls (not pictured) started making out all night anywhere and everywhere, and Lito and Colin had to keep separating us. But being the perverts that they were, they tried taking pictures with their phones ("Damn! There's not enough light!!") Then us 4 went to my house, and after more girl on girl action, my glamorous self got sick. (a Girls Gone Wild moment.) So Lito puts me in bed, and my 2 dogs get into a serious fight. When I wake up and see Luigi my dog limping and all tore up, I try to pick him up and in his pain he bites me in my eye. (My eye looks like a blue golf ball now.) I rush him to the animal ER and they proceed to pump him with IV, narcotics and anesthesia. He is completely messed up and traumatized and I want to cry. The bill comes out to $600. To top it all off, I am told that I need to go to the ER and get a tetanus shot for the bite in my eye. But after that vet bill, I'd rather die of poisoning than rack up more charges.
I think I will stay in for the next few nights. Luigi, the real man in my life, needs me.
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February 26, 2006
Kidnapping Marques Wyatt
Thursday morning I have to run another dance rehearsal, and I am going insane with sleep deprivation. 2 days of no sleep. Afterwards me and Lito go to an art exhibit at the University of Chicago and meet up with another house dancer. The 3 of us have to dance in front of these snow sculptures while a dj plays. We draw a crowd while we dance in front of snow mountains and pine trees. The dj is playing the most horrible and tacky electro, and we're trying to work with it. Do we house, lock, break, wack, pop, make up some raver shit?
Later me and Lits check out the new house night in the vip room of Buddha lounge. Before we even make it to the back room, I nearly get into 2 fights. "I told you I hate this place" Lito warns me. I used to go to Buddha back in the day, but I don't remember that many jerks. We then go to Smart Bar to hear Marques Wyatt and suddenly the world is okay. I LOVE this man. Every song he played made me dance. "Maybe we can kidnap him so he can play in Chicago all the time" I tell Lito. I wish.
I go to bed and sleep.
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February 24, 2006
Wednesday Madness
Long long looooong day. After a 4 hour dance rehearsal Tuesday night, I had to stay up and finish all the last minute mag stuff. My sleep schedule makes me go to bed at 7am now, so when I have to be at the photo studio by 9:30am, I am in pain. Myself and Antone the photographer are shooting Steve "Silk" Hurley for the cover of the March issue. We then head out to Mark Grant's studio and take pictures of him as well. Both men are extremely kind, classy and humble. There are no airs about them and they are fine as hell. By 3pm when we are done with the shoots I am about to pass out from exhaustion. I then go to a heated meeting for chicagohouseradio.com, and then run to a 3 hour dance rehearsal for the Zentra party on March 10th. My arms and legs come off.
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Why I go to Wet that night I have no idea. At closing we have to go and rescue steroid stripper man, who apparently got into a fight with someone at Hydrate. He had to take off before the cops got there (because his record isn't that clean) and in the process loses his wallet. Me and Lits are constantly babysitting this behemoth. My blessed sleep did not come, because we go over his house and stay up all night/morning. Stripper proceeds to call 3 of his "hoes" in front of us and starts ordering them to get up and come to his house. The way he talks to them is so demeaning and shocking that I thought he was roleplaying. Forty minutes later when each one is ready to come over, he tells them they took too long and hangs up on them. "See? I don't treat you like that. I treat you with respect," he says to me. I roll my eyes, give him a kiss on the cheek, and tell Lito that we have to go. Although this man may be an example to the extreme, this is the reason I have no more boy toys. Because no matter how you break it down, they are all full of shit.
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February 20, 2006
Bad Girl Shit
Thursday night after choreographing a dance I get a call and do some last minute bad girl shit. Friday me and Lits go to Zentra to hear Miguel Migs and bring steroid stripper man with us. We are constantly watching over him to make sure no fights break out, because he is one big ball of anger. We get a hookah and mad dudes start asking us if they can suck on the pipe, and of course the angry stripper wasn't having no one else suck his pipe. Well except me. And that's cause I paid for the damn thing. Later on him and Lito run around the White Hen
pantry on the north side while I chill in the car, and they are literally in there for 45 minutes buying every kind of food imaginable. Then stripper man whips his manhood out in front of the window to entertain me and I'm praying we don't get arrested. "Put your wingwang back in, you retard!" I yell.
Saturday Lits and I go to a friend's very scholastic Univ. of Chicago party, and we are shocked at how respectable everyone is. We're so used to hanging out with degenerates and crazies that the normalcy is making me nervous. We then go to the Generator and hang out with Dana Powell, and finally go to Zentra. Lo and behold the ex that I have managed to hide from for 2 months shows up and is puppy-dogging me hardcore. He looks really cute and sad, and I wanted to pet him, but then I had to remind myself that he used to be my boyfriend and not my dog. (And yes I will take the high road and refrain from going there with that last statement.) To end the night we go to an afterset at F212 and talk dance talk. Must remember to bring shades so I can keep that dracula vibe when the sun comes out.
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February 18, 2006
Panty Eater
My dog Benny is being punished. He is a little mutt I adopted last year and has a MAJOR penchant for eating my panties. I've had dogs chow down on my undies before, but this particular canine likes to eat my *designer* thongs. I tried to take the zen approach the first few times, but when I see my $55 cute bow/diamond/lacey/not-your-average-victoria's-secret-bullshit thongs half eaten, I scream the primal scream of death and all my animals (including Lito and my office assistant) run for the hills. "THAT WAS MY FAVORITE PANTIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" What does he expect me to wear? Big old granny Hanes pantaloons?? I don't think so!! I pride myself on my very extensive thong collection, and now Benny is treating it like his ramen noodle lunch snack. I tie the red heart scrap of cloth around his neck and command him to walk around the house with it. "That's right you little bitch boy... you want to eat it? Well walk around with it!!!" I am insane and in my dominatrix mode but somehow this situation doesn't feel quite sexy.
Later that day Benny is still walking sadly with his panty necklace, so I take it off and give him a big mommy hug. All is good with us.
Even later I go to the Anti-Cruelty Society (where I volunteer) and play with the dogs for an hour. Please can someone adopt one of these dogs? There is nothing more sad than walking away from a cage and the dog is watching you go. Next time I'll bring them some panties to play with.
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February 15, 2006
Happy Valentines
I have so much work to do I want to sit here and cry. 3 articles in 2 days. Plus we have another gig at Zentra so I have to create a new piece: mix music, choreograph the damn dance, schedule the dancers.
Monday night I briefly stop by Boom Boom Room. Apparently there was a big drag queen fight and my friends found a piece of the queen's hair weave.
Valentines morning I go and see my "probation officer" because of my DUI last year. I am tired, sleepy and cranky. Me and Lito were supposed to go out on a brother-sis valentines date of dinner and salsa dancing, but sometimes plans just don't work out. So after Doug and I tape this week's radio show, I go home and do more work and try to forget what day it is. Stop sending text messages people! All my boy toys are officially done... I got rid of the last of them as of last week. I get some pathetic calls from a couple, and in my loneliness I almost give in to the thought of calling them back today just so I can feel special. Fuck it. They are all useless and not worth my time. Can someone just ask me out to dinner?? Cook me dinner???
Later at night I get stopped by cops for not wearing a seatbelt. Truly the cherry on top of my day.
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February 14, 2006
67th St. Loft
I am beyond exhausted but we have to do our mag drops at the clubs. After a quick stop at the Generator we go to Willie Wills' and Ojay's party on 67th Street and my mood is suddenly lifted. The music and vibe are amazing all around. Lito is happy that they're serving food. For some crazy reason, me and Lits end up doing the same thing we did the night before: we stay till the very end until there was no one left except the hosts and the DJ (Andre Hatchett.) Us four continue to dance and drink till 9 in the morning, and we are having the best time of our lives. I realize doing this kinda thing 2 nights in a row may not be the healthiest thing to do, but for now we just don't care.
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February 13, 2006
Friday Night
Doug and I tape the Valentine's show for 5 Magazine and he shows me this MASSIVE black dildo that his Atlanta friends bought him. It's so big I don't know how he fit it into his apartment. It's so big I don't know why he even bothers dating when he has that to keep him warm and tore up.
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Friday night me and Lits do our club rounds. Stacy Kidd played at Minx for his Defected Records release party and I must say this man is brilliant. Not only can he spin, but the tracks he produces are super hot. While I'm dancing Lito buys me a mixed drink and I start feeling really sleepy. We then go to Walgreens and I buy that 5-hour energy drink thing that should have had a warning label not to give it to the Czarina because after that I am READY!!!!! LET'S GOOOOO!!!!! We go to Prophouse too late, and the house room has started playing hip-hop... we got out of there real quick. We then end the night at the Safehouse and stay till the very end. I did other ginseng-y things so I feel like one big sexy ginseng plant.
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February 7, 2006
Dancing @ Zentra
So it is the new monthly party at Zentra called "Not Everyone Understands House Music". 1st Saturday of every month. We're supposed to dance and I've been sick as a dog since Lito's birthday. I am feverish, nauseous, and not horny (definitely a sign that Miss Thing is sick!) Twenty minutes before we go on, one of my main dancers tells me he is too sick and can't make it, after he promised me he would get through it with me. I am LIVID. So in five minutes we scramble to fill up his spots, which means more dancing for three of us. When we actually dance, the ropes to separate the audience were set up differently this time, so we are kicking people on the side and unable to do half the choreography. Not to mention it was so damn dark we couldn't see to save our lives, save for the flashing epileptic camera bulbs right in front of our grills. With all the extra dancing we had to do to cover for 'ol boy, I'm glad I didn't pass out.
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Overall it went really well. I was touched because even though I didn't tell them, 15 of my dancer friends took it upon themselves to come and support us (Fivestar Boogie). And that's what I realized at the end of the night. I invited mad people to come see us perform, and to those who came through we are forever grateful. It takes a lot of hard work to put together even a 10 minute show, it takes weeks and even months of rehearsal. Some people who claim to be friends never support, but they for sure will expect you to be at their party/gig. When I realized I couldn't stand up without falling down, I asked Lito to take me home.
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February 6, 2006
Like a VH1 Where Are They Now? Star
So it's Lito's big birthday this past Wednesday night and we tell anyone and everyone to come, even the crackheads on Division and State. (Or is it Clark?) He dresses up in his sexy little pinstripe grey suit, his Kangol hat...and dress shoes with a big ass hole at the bottom. So being the adorable Lits that he is, he changes into beige moccassins in defiance of the fashion police. He still looks great.
We start off the night at Katakomb, and meet up with our other dancer friends from the southside (see picture.) If you want to see people who can really get down, watch these folks. I may be biased, but I do think melanin has a lot to do with it. Of course they had already been drinking up in the car, so they were LOUD and dancing all over the place. In the meantime I'm stressing over some bs I shouldn't be stressing over, but hey! Lito has 1 drink and he is already starting to yell. "STOP YELLING!!!" I yell. No one can be louder than me goddamit.
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After a couple of hours we head to Ultralounge and the place is packed like a mofo. It is also Seth (the manager's) birthday, so everyone is there. I guess in the moments that I don't see Lito people are making him pound away at shot after shot after shot. But the cherry on top of the cake is that his ex whom he THINKS is the love of his life is there. His sole purpose in showing up to Lito's birthday is to make him miserable, and he does. He accuses him of sleeping with everybody (even though they're not together), and then he accuses him of sleeping with ME!! Hah? I'm his sister, fool! Not blood, but heart, something this tired queen knows nothing about. So the whole time Lito is running around upset as hell and I am trying to calm him down.
Later I invite 6 people to come to my house, but no one can keep their mouth shut and before I know it 20 people are over my crib. Lito would not shut the f*&k up, and kept rambling and rambling in the car. I screamed at him to shut up so my drunk ass could drive without getting stopped, and he aggravated me so much I nearly walked out the car. The more I told him to shut up, the more he spoke, and I was sorely tempted to slap the shit out of him. I guess that's what broken hearted people do... they keep talking. At my house the vibe was kinda cool except for this one girl who kept trying to hit on other girls' men under the guise of being "friendly." We see right through her uninvited ass but don't say a word.
I do not sleep and soothe myself with the knowledge that I have done all the magazine and business work I need to do for the next 3 days. I go over a friend's house and drink and watch tv. Hah? Who goes to the liquor store at 9am?? "We're so pathetic!" I say cheerfully, as the old man behind the counter rings up 2 bottles of Bacardi and cheap white wine. I feel like a VHI where-are-they-now star. Later that night, I realize I have a dance rehearsal to run and am like "whoops!" I stagger back to my crib, and run the rehearsal. I can feel death coming on.
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February 1, 2006
Soul-Killing Noises
Tuesday we check out the new monthly night at Sonotheque called Intensity and hand out the latest issue of 5. We heard fabulous and amazing sets from both Lego and Sean Smith. There is this HOT ASS track by Stacy Kidd which is essentially a remix of "Gotta Have House Music," but jazzed up with piano riffs that gets everybody up and dancing. Sean Smith of Smooth Agent Recordings actually gave me a copy of the record and I nearly peed in my pants! (But I'm classy.) Me and Lits really enjoyed ourselves there. Then I actually got Lego to breakdance when everyone left :)
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Things changed when we got to Four. The music was WACK with a capital WACK!! It was this very non-house electro robot sci-fi shit that made my cervix start hurting. "This is WACK!" I say to anyone and everyone around me. I slump in a corner and put on my grumpy face, all memories of the club before gone with this soul-killing noise. Then towards the end of the night XL (god bless him) starts getting loose on the dance floor and gets into it with this super drunk white girl. She kept pushing him really hard, and I saw he was about to snap. Please smack her please smack her please smack her I silenty mantra, hoping for a showdown. She was really drunk and out of line. So security comes and holds both parties back, but they didn't kick her out!!! What?!?? If that ain't prejudice, I don't know what is.
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