From the Shifty Files...

Dear Shifty,

I can't believe I'm actually writing to you for advice. My boyfriend would kill me if he knew.

He is a local Deep House DJ and I think you know him. We've been together for just over a year now and things are getting a bit stale in the bedroom. Every night it's the same thing. We go to his room, turn off the lights, and he shoves his dick in my face like it is supposed to excite me. Now I'm not one for romance, but I do need some level of arousal, ya know?

The music he plays is so sensual and tender, but all he wants to do is mount me and be done with it. Lately he has been jumping out of bed right after sex to play his records. I can barely hold it together as I lie there and listen to song after song with romantic lyrics about love and intimacy. I mean what the fuck?!

So what I need is some advice about getting him to realize he better pay more attention to getting me aroused if he wants to have sex with me. I also need to get him to be more adventurous in bed. I think that he thinks doggie style is a freaky variation. I'm dying here Shifty. Please help!

Yours truly,
In Need of Jack

From what I can tell, your problem is a common one, which is why I decided to publish your email and my insightful response in 5 Magazine. I replaced your name with a clever pseudonym, but I suspect that your boyfriend will probably figure it out, as I'm sure he is a reader. I apologize if you thought it would be kept confidential - but what did you expect would happen?

Anyway, I always caution women who ask for advice on how to change their men. Your boyfriend will probably always suck in the sack. However, there are a couple of things you can try. First, when he shoves his dick in your face, tell him what you're really thinking. Don't just start bobbing by default.

Second, take the freaky initiative. Never wait for someone else to figure out how much of a dirty girl you really are. Make him go down on you and roll over on your stomach right in the middle of the action and pay attention to his response. If he looks horrified you need to kick his ass out of your house immediately and drop me a line.

I think I know who you are, and I must tell you I dig your style. I'm not one for romance either, but I also don't need anyone to kick-start my freakishness. From what I've come to understand, the problem you described is very common among girlfriends of Deep House DJs that play too many vocals. What you need is some dirty jack in your life. I'd be happy to serve it up for you.

Yours truly,
Shifty E Johnson
shiftyjohnson.com

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