Five Lies That a True Dog Tells

Hey there House Hedz, Poi-Zen Jones is back again hoping to burn down some delusions that might make you sing the blues this holiday season. So you think you may have met Dr. McDreamy under the mistletoe but you learned a lesson from John Legend and decide to "Take it Slow (oh-oooh-ohw)". I just want to make sure that every member of my Jack Family knows the basic truth of dating - there are FIVE LIES THAT A TRUE DOG TELLS.

I was going to call this list "Five Lies that Men Tell", but a real man won't tell these lies and dogs can be any gender. If you hear any of these phrases, take them as warning signs to stop-cease-and-resist any thoughts that your dream date is more than a drunk dial booty call and decide if you really enjoy sex with doubled-up condoms/dental dams...

1. "I'll Call You." Please don't hold your breath waiting for this call or you will be answering the phone with blue lips. Some dogs take the short cut and text you with a standard instant insert, complete with an "xoxo" signature! But "I'll call you" means the same thing on a date as it does on an audition or a job interview: if you don't hear anything the next day or two, you didn't get the part. The unspoken first part of this sentence is "Don't call us/me". Delete the number from your phone. Then, if you do get a call, you can be genuinely surprised.

2. "It's Complicated" or "I'm Complex." Well actually my dear, all humans are complex except those who tell you. Maybe Maxim has advised wannabe rockstars that this is a way to be honest about a four-legged nature, but just like wine is complex to cheap-skate alcoholics at a wine-tasting, this one is very simple. It's not complicated: you are now part of a harem. The dog is not complex. He's seeing other people and doesn't plan to stop.

3. "She's Just a Friend." Ok, so you want to believe in the oneness of human spirit and act like an evolved, mature adult. Men and women can have meaningful friendships - if one of them is gay, married, ugly or has an STD. Don't overlook the girl who spent the night on the couch or the one-on-one late night fondue dinner. If your gut tells you that the stripper-turned-yoga teacher is doing more than meditating with your man, then that Sanskrit lesson is bullshit. She is "just a friend" - a friend with a JUSTifiable purpose - FUCKING, past, present and future.

4. "I'd Never Lie to You." It sounds so good in the middle of a sweet caress while looking into those bedroom eyes. STOP!! Those eyes are only looking at the bedroom. Even though I prefer brutal honesty and the therapy that comes with it, most people stretch the truth. Recall the time your drunk best friend fell to the ground and exposed her need to get waxed to the line outside the men's room, making some wonder if a large rat had just landed on her thong. You say "No one really saw anything" and laugh hysterically after you deposit her to sleep it off. Why? Because you love her and don't want her to become a neurotic crying drunk. Is that a little selfish? Yes, but it is also part of real, caring relationships. You can tell her in a few years, after you've moved to a different city and traded in the club for bingo night. Remember, a man who makes a big show of asserting his honesty is like the man who brags about his size or bank account: whatever he says, divide it by ten and you will get the truth.

5. "It's Not You, It's Me." I hate to be the one to break it to you - IT'S YOU. Now, go out and get a book, take a class, find a nice Queen to school you on the art of dating and take your heartache to the dancefloor. No matter if these are lies you have told or been told, the lessons of truth lies in the most faithful lover of all - MUSIC!!!

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