Bar Etiquette 101

There are a few advantages to living around alcoholics. For one thing, I knew how to shuffle cards and the draw a straight flush in poker by the time I was seven years old. But most importantly, I learned the little dos and don'ts that make slamming down a few shots our social lubricant such a far more rewarding experience.

Now, I had thought that everyone knew these things. Apparently, I thought wrong. After yet another night that was filled with boarish behavior and ended with me staring a bar tab that could have been sent to NASA, I realized that everyone might do with a little brushing up on Bar Etiquette 101. It's true that you can do none of these things and get by in life. It's also true that most clubs these days don't have metal detectors at the door, and I've got a license. I'm not saying, I'm just saying...

1. Bar Karma is a Bitch. You have Bar Karma even if you don't know what it is. Bar Karma is the simple fact that if you give a little, you'll get it back tenfold. It may not happen that same night, but nobody just goes out once. If you're the type that never picks up a round, it's likely that you don't have any friends to go out with anyway.

2. Bring Your Wallet. We're through the looking glass on this one, people. Follow closely: If you go out to drink, bring money. It's entirely possible you might find a hundred dollar bill on the ground. It's more likely you're a cheap bastard leeching off the good intentions (and slightly impaired judgment) of others. If you can't afford to go out every night... DON'T GO OUT EVERY NIGHT!

This is especially karmic if you're in a place that doesn't charge at the door. How do you think they're making money? How do you expect them to remain open? A night with nobody spending any money isn't a night for long. I've even seen hustlers actually drink out of the bathroom sink to avoid buying a $3 bottle of water. Not one week before, I saw a drunk take a long look at the bathroom line, shrug, and relieve himself in that very same sink. It happened. I saw it. I've never been the same.

3. Tipping is Not Just a City in England. A tip does not mean leaving a single on the bar at the end of the night. This goes back to Bar Karma: you take care of the bartender, they'll take care of you. I mean, bartenders actually laugh at your jokes and pretend they have some sexual interest in you. That's more than most girls do. Support your local actress.

4. Mind Your Head. Clubs get crowded. I never look cool, but I like to think that leaning against a bar makes me look like less of an ogre than usual. It's okay to chill there, especially when you need to grab something nailed to the floor to maintain your stability. But when the bodies are seven deep around you, maybe it's time to venture out away from your BFF Jill and venture out in the world. You might even meet a new person to leech drinks off of.

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