The Zen of the Blow-Off
When asked last week to contribute to 5 Magazine's monthly advice column by Luna Love, I decided to stick to what I know: sleazy break-ups and eastern thought. It may have not been what Lao Tzu and Siddhartha Buddha originally intended when they laid the foundations for centuries of contemplative spirituality, but both Buddhism and Taoism offer some interesting insights into the art of the blow-off.
The "blow-off," to the layperson, may seem a callous and cowardly way out of an uncomfortable relationship. For the blow-offee the experience has the potential to devastate confidence and perpetuate cynicism. However, when understood in terms of universal harmonic forces, the blow-off begins to take the form of a balancing constant in the majestic interdependent system of karma.
In other words, [name deleted], I was just doing the work of the universe. I'm not really an asshole.
When Lao Tzu was droppin' Taoism on ancient Chinese royalty, he probably schooled them on how it applied to kickin' the concubines to the curb when they became too needy. I couldn't find any direct references to the blow-off in any English translation of the Tao Te Ching; however, in the following teaching about well-timed passivity, he touches on the most abstract principle of the sleazy break-up: dark and mysterious identity.
Those who know do not talk.
Those who talk do not know.
Stop talking,
meditate in silence,
blunt your sharpness,
release your worries,
harmonize your inner light,
and become one with the dust.
Doing this is the called the dark and mysterious identity.
-Tao Te Ching, excerpt from Chapter 56
You see, "dark and mysterious identity" (or properly translated as "pure playerness"), is when you stop answering phone calls. You then "meditate in silence" about how you shouldn't worry about her feelings because, truthfully, they don't "harmonize with your inner light," thus making becoming "one with the dust" that much harder, ya dig? And really, if you can't become one with the muthafuckin' dust, then is life even worth living?
To tie this all together for you, I'd like to illustrate a distinction between the art of a sleazy break up and the run-of-the-mill blow-off. You see, as a break-up artist, I am mindful that when I stop answering phone calls from a newly former lover, I am acting as a karmic force. Additionally, I am a yin to the yang of all of those lap dog suitors out there. I am simply a man walking down his Tao, or path in life, trying like a muthafucker to become one with the dust. I am poetry in motion. Those who don't embrace the blow-off as an art form are subject to guilt and shame, the bad side effects of a poorly executed break up. Becoming one with the dust keeps that ole' frown turned upside down. Understand?
For more insights regarding eastern wisdom and the justification for being a degenerate, email hatemail@shiftyjohnson.com (only $19.95).
5 Magazine is supported in large part by the patronage of our readers. If you like what you see, consider subscribing to the 5 Magazine Digital Edition and receive the complete contents at the beginning of every month as well as access to members only stories for only $1.50 per month!