10 Girlie Secrets Revealed

Last month's column - on the top ten lies women tell men - seems to have struck a chord with some of the more hypersensitive males. So to pacify the paranoia, here are some ego-stroking as well as ego-killing girlie secrets we'd rather you didn't know. And once again, this does not apply to all females... just a goodly amount.

1) They don't "accidentally" leave their panties at your place. C'mon now, what woman "forgets" to put her underwear on before she leaves the next day? Women like to plant things like lacy bras around because not only will it remind you of them, but dirty panties are akin to little landmines they hope the "other woman" in your life will find and hence freak out and leave you.

2) They will Google/MySpace-stalk you. Here's the catch: they will ask questions leading up to what they've discovered to see if you will come out and tell the truth. They want you to tell them yourself, because hey guys newsflash! Women value honesty.

3) Women can act their asses off. Think about how many times you've brought your girlfriend to orgasm. Then take that number and subtract the number of times you think she may have faked it. Take THAT number and divide it by 1000. That is the real number of times she actually came. I'm sorry.

4) They will go to the ends of the earth to see what your ex-girlfriend looks like. After snooping around online to find any kind of photos of her, they will then judge her and send their friends a link to her picture so that they may also judge her. There will be a general concurrence from the female tribunal that the she (current girlfriend) is much prettier than the ex (fat, nasty whore).

5) Don't ask them how many men they've slept with. You have been genetically predisposed with the same prehistoric asshole view of all women being promiscuous. But yes if you ask how many guys they've slept with they will lie. Add 5 to the number and it's still too low.

6) Who makes more money and looks better matters. We are all insecure beings, but trust this: if the woman is hotter than you and makes more money, tough shit, you will never hold the remote.

7) They will count the condoms in your garbage cans. Men can be very sloppy about this.

8) Even the toughest of women put up a front. They will act like they just want a good time, but deep down women are hopeless romantics. They really do want a boyfriend.

9) Women will not tell you if they're seeing somebody else. Why would they? Your egos are more fragile than a fainting nymph. Not to mention the aforementioned slut-judgment that will be brought upon them.

10) Women are extra evil during moon days. But you already knew that. Women are evil 3 days before their periods. PMS is a legitimate medical condition that causes them to randomly cry, demand they talk about your relationship and why you can't commit, and make them feel obese and really hate you. Just try not to piss them off any more than you can. At that time of the month, your very presence is irritating.

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